


i don’t wanna lose my love

by calthighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Reunions, holiday romance, lots of sun/moon mentions, soulmate energy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28295043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calthighway/pseuds/calthighway
Summary: The waves seem to calm over the length of their silence until Ben feels like the waves arecrashingagainst his chest when he feels the ends of Callum’s fingers against his hand. It’s delicate and Ben feels like he could possibly be imagining the whole thing until he moves his hand a little and Callum’s fingers are in his palm. Ben swallows before closing his hand over Callum’s fingers and hopes Callum’s ok with him doing it.“I wish we didn’t have to go home. I wish we could just stay here forever,” Callum whispers. “I hate the world when you aren’t in it.”
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 13
Kudos: 68
Collections: Ballum Secret Santa 2020





	i don’t wanna lose my love

**Author's Note:**

> merry christmas @langerclyde! your secret santa here, i hope you enjoy this gift from me to you ✨
> 
> song title: echosmith- i don’t wanna lose my love

**July 2014**

Ben watches Callum mess around with some pretty girl in the pool who they’d started talking to on their second night here.

Ben watches and wonders how Callum hasn’t noticed the way he makes him feel. How he brings him back from an all time low until he’s here; a holiday with a family he barely gets on with just so he can see Callum again.

Two years they’ve been coming to the same holiday destination; Ben hoping that Callum would be there and he’d just be as happy to see him again. 

Callum was. He’d always be awkward and shy around Ben, but he would hug Ben like he’d been waiting for nothing else; their height differences leaving Ben with not much option other than to snuggle his chin into Callum’s shoulder. He would close his eyes and in those few moments there would be nothing else to think about. Everything was light – a breath of fresh air that Ben hung onto long after they parted.

Callum’s smiles were as bright as the sun, only Ben couldn’t look away, Callum shone in a way that didn’t have Ben squinting his eyes the way he would at the sun, and yet, Ben found him so much warmer and brighter.

Ben’s only seventeen, he’s still growing and learning; discovering things about himself along the way. Most days he hates himself, he knows he isn’t what his dad wanted him to turn out like. He likes cars, that bit is great, but he also enjoys musicals and dance. All the stuff his dad is alien to – stuff he doesn’t have slightest bit of interest in and stuff he doesn’t wish to learn about. Therefore, those are the bits Ben hates about himself because all he wants is his dad to be proud of him.

Ben knows that’s not even the worst bit. The thoughts he has daily are what would ruin his relationship with his dad completely. Ben’s already dealt with the teasing in school and from his own family, he wouldn’t know what to do if they knew it was in fact true.

Ben doesn’t like to think of labelling himself because he knows he’s so much more than just that. He just isn’t sure anybody else can see it.

The weight of a wet hand on his shoulder blinks him out of his thoughts, he looks up into the shade blocking the sun and Callum’s standing there with water dripping down his body; his hair flat against his forehead and Ben feels the tingle in his fingers to reach up and brush it away from his eyes. Callum does it for him and Ben can’t help the heavy breath he takes when Callum sits on the sun lounger next to him.

“What ya doing over here on your own?” Callum asks, grabbing his towel to dry his hair a little before draping it over his shoulders.

Ben shrugs, “looked like ya were having fun. Didn’t want to interrupt ya.”

Callum frowns before looking over to his new friend still in the pool. “Is there a problem?”

Ben hates how _innocent_ Callum can be sometimes. “Should there be one?” Ben snaps, his teeth pulling back his bottom lip.

He knows how ridiculous this all is, but he can feel his nostrils flare as he waits for Callum’s answer. Knows Callum hasn’t done anything wrong, but there’s something ugly bubbling up inside him now.

Callum shakes his head, “I ain’t done anything so I don’t understand where this is all coming from.”

Before Ben can think of pushing the self destruct button any further, or even doing something wilder such as apologising, the girl stands by Callum and asks if he’s joining her again.

Callum looks at Ben and then back to her, almost as if he’s waiting for something from Ben, but he remains silent and Callum shakes his head a little bit towards Ben before he’s standing up and heading back to the pool.

Ben suddenly feels numbed.

*

The suns gone down and the stars sparkle in the sky now. Ben’s sick of looking up and instantly thinking of Callum.

He changes his clothes and heads downstairs to join the rest of his family to watch the nights entertainment. He doesn’t particularly want to sit around with Phil and Sharon all over each other – he has to put up with that enough. Then he thinks of Billy and Honey and knows they’re just as bad, however lovely Honey is to him.

He grumbles until he gets out of the lift and he sees Callum standing by the entrance like he was waiting for someone. He tries to look away, but Callum’s seen him and he’s on his way over and Ben’s never felt the weight of the word _sorry_ on his tongue as much as now.

Callum speaks first, “wanna go for a walk?”

Ben doesn’t have to think twice about it, already heading out of the hotel with Callum close behind him.

They walk down towards the beach in silence and Ben’s not sure if he should speak first, although he feels he should after the way he acted earlier. He hangs his head low as he tries to word what he wants to say.

“There’s no need to say sorry, ya know,” Callum breathes. “I’ve already forgot about it.”

Ben bites down a smile. “What would I be saying sorry for then?”

Callum thinks about it, “maybe because you’re a bit of an idiot.”

Ben stops, “that ain’t very Callum Highway of ya to say.”

Callum licks his lips, “I ain’t as nice as ya think I am then, am I?”

“I still think you’re pretty nice,” Ben replies softly with a shrug. “Too nice to be my friend.”

“Shut up, Ben.”

Ben does, and they walk on in more silence.

They walk until the sound of music from the bars become a distant sound and they sit against the wall. Callum’s knees come up to his chest and Ben finds his position the same, their knees bumping.

“There ain’t nothing going on with me and Whitney,” Callum says.

“She’s got a name then,” Ben focuses on the sea, knows his tone is heavy and could lead to an argument that isn’t needed.

Callum just lets out a disbelieving laugh, “she told us her name when we first met her!”

“When she told you, ya mean? She hasn’t left ya alone.”

Callum sighs, “I ain’t interested in her, alright?”

Ben turns at the annoyance of Callum’s voice. “Why not?”

“Because she’s not – because she’s just not my type,” Callum swallows. “Why’s everything got to be about _that_ ?”

“It doesn’t,” Ben shakes his head, understanding. “I’m sorry.”

Callum smiles a little, “it don’t matter.”

The waves seem to calm over the length of their silence until Ben feels like the waves are _crashing_ against his chest when he feels the ends of Callum’s fingers against his hand. It’s delicate and Ben feels like he could possibly be imagining the whole thing until he moves his hand a little and Callum’s fingers are in his palm. Ben swallows before closing his hand over Callum’s fingers and hopes Callum’s ok with him doing it.

“I wish we didn’t have to go home. I wish we could just stay here forever,” Callum whispers. “I hate the world when you aren’t in it.”

It stuns Ben because he’s never heard Callum talk like this, he guesses they’ve never had the chance or right time to. He thinks back to when they first met, to last year and this and maybe Callum wasn’t as innocent as Ben thought. Maybe those feelings he had to deal with weren’t just one sided and Callum understood it all along.

“I’m always going to be part of your word, Callum. I’m already there.”

Callum looks like he doesn’t have the right words to say anything back and Ben gets it, so he doesn’t expect anything, but he smiles when Callum squeezes his hand.

Ben shivers at the chill, or maybe it’s the sense of having Callum’s eyes at the side of his head. Callum stands up and pulls Ben up with him with his hand still being held tightly.

“Take this,” Callum shrugs off his jacket to place over Ben’s shoulders. “Better?”

Ben can only nod, everything envelopes him like a safety blanket and he doesn’t want to move from it. “How are you always so warm?”

“I must hide it well because I’m freezing and I’m regretting giving ya this if I’m honest,” Callum pulls on his jacket with a laugh.

Ben laughs back, a fluttering sensation in his belly at the sparkle in Callum’s eyes as he watches him let go of his hand to put on his jacket properly and then opens it wide. “Come closer,” he dares to utter.

A fond smile spreads across Callum’s face as he steps closer and wraps his arms around Ben’s waist and under the fabric. Ben’s up on his tip toes slightly; there’s no real reason for him to hide his face into Callum’s neck, but he guesses it’s a habit he’s used to and it seems Callum doesn’t mind when he rubs his hands up and down Ben’s back.

“Better?” Ben mumbles against Callum’s neck.

There’s no need for Callum to say anything. Ben already knows the answer.

*

The next morning Ben wakes up with a smile on his face that leads to numerous questions about what he’s been up to, about where he was last night and Ben doesn’t even bother telling them anything that’s remotely near the truth. Instead he just tells them he ended up falling asleep early and _why_ wouldn’t he be happy when he’s on holiday?

He knows they probably don’t buy into any of it, but Ben doesn’t care. He just wants to see Callum again and he doesn’t want to waste what time they have left here apart.

Ben grudgingly spends the day with his family, but he makes the most of it when they take a visit into town and he buys Callum a gift.

“Who’s that for?” Sharon asks, lifting her eyebrows.

“Not you,” Ben retorts and walks off ahead.

Ben fakes having a bad belly, blaming it on food from earlier on in the day. Sharon convinces Phil to just leave him be, “let him get some rest.”

She smiles at him and Ben regrets the way he can be with her sometimes – he knows he can be hard work, he also knows he doesn’t deserve her kindness, but it’s all she’s ever shown him.

“Make sure ya get some sleep, alright? I’ll check up on ya later.”

“No, don’t. It’s fine,” Ben waves a hand away. “You enjoy ya night.”

She doesn’t look convinced, but Ben’s pleased she doesn’t push it any further and instead links onto Honey’s arm to go downstairs.

Ben wastes no time in grabbing his shoes to head off to meet Callum before there’s a knock at the door. He huffs and answers the door ready to have attitude with whoever is interrupting his plans. He looks on surprised when it’s Callum’s stood there.

“Bad belly ain’t it?” Callum asks, leaning against the door frame. “The lady with blonde hair saw me passing and told me. You alright?”

Ben rolls his eyes before pulling him inside. “Ain’t nothing wrong with me. I just – I needed an excuse to be able to see ya again.”

“Oh,” Callum looks bashful and so bloody gorgeous that Ben can’t take his eyes off of him.

“I got ya something,” Ben snaps himself out of his Callum trance to get it out of his pocket.

Callum takes the sun shaped keyring out of the bag and reads out the words from it, “my sun and stars.”

“It’s cheesy, I know,” Ben scratches his eyebrow. “It made me think of you, though.”

“I didn’t know you were into astronomy,” Callum teases lightly.

Ben notices the way Callum brings the keyring to his mouth and presses his lips to it almost like a kiss and Ben struggles to breathe at the sight.

“Thank you,” Callum looks down at it. “I love it.”

_Love._

“Can I tell ya something?” Ben bites his lip, stepping forward.

Callum nods, “ya know ya can.”

“I agree with ya that not everything should be about sex and stuff like that, but the thought of wanting to kiss you won’t leave my head and I don’t think it will until I get to,” Ben breathes. “I ain’t pressuring ya into anything if ya don’t want to, I would never do that, but I can’t get ya out of my head and however annoying it is I wouldn’t change it for anything.” Ben begins to pace a little before coming back in front of Callum. “We might just have a holiday friendship for two weeks a year, but ya feel like more than that. When I’m with ya I feel-“

“Like I’m home,” Callum finishes.

The top of Callum’s ears are flushed pink and it’s a stupid thing to notice at a time like this, but Ben can’t believe he’s opened up the way he has or the response Callum’s given him. He focuses on Callum’s ears and mumbles out a shaky “yeah.”

Callum doesn’t come fully into focus until Ben feels him close to him and he’s just _full_ of everything that is Callum. “Can I tell you something?”

Ben nods up at him, can’t imagine the state he looks in right now. “I think about you all the time too,” Callum confesses. “Only you.”

Callum brings his hand up to Ben’s chin, his thumb moves in gentle strokes. “Kiss me.”

Ben feels a sudden rush through his body until it reaches the ends of his toes and he almost wants to ask if Callum’s sure, wants to make sure he heard correctly. Callum moves until his other hand is placed against Ben’s cheek, too. Ben knows then he didn’t mishear anything and Callum is waiting for him to kiss him.

He leans forwards and pulls Callum down to him until there’s no space between them. Callum’s lips are as soft as Ben imagined, the kiss is slow and searching, but Ben loves the way Callum’s fingers curl up in the back of his hair almost greedily. A low moan leaves his lips and falls onto Callum’s tongue.

They don’t hear or see Phil come in, but it changes and ruins everything just as quickly as they had had it.

**November 2020**

The day starts gloomy and Ben’s tempted to just jump back into bed. He wraps his dressing gown around him instead, turns back to the sleeping form in his bed and hopes he doesn’t think he’s got much more time left. There’s no room in Ben’s life for anything like _that._

Gabriel is handsome, he’s sweet and his accent mesmerises Ben when they’ve had a drink or two and he’s whispering stuff in his ear. He scratches Ben’s itch for him time and time again with no questions. It’s easy – no strings attached. It’s enough.

Gabriel stirs before he’s opening his eyes and smiling a little up at Ben. He pulls the blanket back until Ben can see his naked body and Ben finds himself crawling back into bed easily.

*

The days get closer to Christmas and winter. The days should be cold, but for Ben they feel as though something has shifted. He doesn’t feel the cold, there’s moments and places he feels warmth; almost as if he’s close to something.

Knowing his luck, he’s coming down with the flu just before Christmas, but he doesn’t feel sick; he just can’t put his finger on what’s happening.

“You should spend Christmas with me and your dad. He’d love to see ya… it’s been too long.”

He hasn’t seen Phil since the end of 2014. Not since… everything. Ben’s been independent since then - he’s gone his own way, done the things he _wanted_ to do. He’s grown into a man he’s learnt to love and not be ashamed of.

“I’ve been doing just fine without him,” Ben looks over at Sharon who looks at him with sorrow in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” he sighs. “If he’s that bothered why ain’t he here himself?”

“He thinks you hate him. You haven’t spoken to him since-“

“Since he ruined the only good thing I had. The _one_ thing that made me feel like I wasn’t such a total failure to the Mitchell family.”

Sharon shakes her head, “he didn’t think that. He _doesn’t._ You’re his boy, you always will be, Ben.”

Ben bites his lip, “I ain’t interested. I’ve spent the last six years without him, I don’t need him now.”

“I just think-“

“Well don’t,” Ben shuts her down. “I understand your loyalty towards him, but it don’t mean anything to me. I’m a grown man now, I don’t need you trying to hold my hand all the time or trying to make things better like ya did when I was a kid.”

 _You ain’t my mother_ hangs on his lips but he bites his tongue long enough to calm the storm down.

As always, she doesn’t carry it on any further and it’s one of the reasons Ben stayed in touch with her – why he still wanted her in his life. He knew she would always respect his feelings in the end even if their opinions differed.

The main reason she’s still a big part of his life is because of everything that happened after Callum. She remained calm, patient and as understanding as possible through Ben coming out and then being faced with the fact that he was told he wouldn’t be seeing Callum ever again. That it was just a _phase_ , that him and Callum were just teenagers and what they had would be forgotten about a few months later because it was nothing. It was just a bit of excitement, _rebellious_ behaviour.

Nobody got it. Ben knew Sharon probably thought the same in some ways, but she was always there. There on the late nights when Ben couldn’t sleep and would wonder the streets; she would never see him go alone. There when he needed a shoulder to cry on, when he just needed to rant and scream about how much he _hated_ everything.

It wasn’t months, it was years. Possibly 730 days of not going by without a thought or two about Callum. Wondering how he was doing, what he was doing with his life, what he looked like, if he had a family of his own.

Ben had tried to find him on social media more than once, but failed on every search. He stopped looking. He wasn’t doing himself any favours and the dreaded thoughts of Callum not even thinking or remembering him creeped their way into his head.

The days began to get easier and Ben began to get better and reach a point in his life he felt settled.

Things were going to be as good as they could be without Callum involved.

“We going for that drink, or what?” Ben asks, welcoming time spent with Sharon now that memories began to worm their way in.

**July 2013**

Yellow glows on Callum’s skin from the sun and Ben’s never seen someone look so desirable. It’s dangerous. Callum’s smile is as warming as always – inviting almost.

“I hope to see ya next year,” Callum says, whilst they sit at the pool with their legs in the water.

“Why?” Ben wonders, a strange feeling growing in his belly.

Callum shrugs a little. “Meeting you has made my holiday.” Callum looks at Ben, his eyes darting around Ben’s face shyly. “I like being with you.”

Ben kicks his feet in the water, a smile growing on his lips easily. “I’ll be here next year,” Ben promises.

Callum nods once; a warm shade of red spreading across his cheeks, before jumping into the pool and pulling Ben in with him.

Ben’s well and truly fallen.

**December 2020**

“Who’s Callum?” Gabriel asks over breakfast.

Ben almost chokes on his bacon, but he just shakes his head, “don’t know a Callum.”

“You were dreaming last night mon chéri and said his name a few times,” Gabriel tells him. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

“No,” Ben’s jaw tenses. “I’ve gotta head to work.”

Ben doesn’t wait for Gabriel to say anything back, already out the door before he has chance to.

*

The morning with Gabriel fills him with dread for the rest of the day. He plans to spend it getting Christmas presents and then spend it getting drunk somewhere where nobody knows him or his story.

Sharon phones him again and again and he ignores her because he doesn’t need her nagging today of all days. He just wants to be left alone, but his wishes are crushed when he hears Sharon from across the square.

He rolls his eyes, knows he could snap at her if she says the wrong thing, but he stops and waits for her to reach him.

“Why not answer your phone?”

“I’m busy,” Ben lies.

Sharon sees through it, pulling her hand bag over her shoulder. “I’ll try not to be offended,” she sighs. She turns back to where she came from, “come with me.”

“I said-“

“Ben,” she shakes her head. “Trust me.”

He scratches his eyebrow and shrugs before following her back to The Albert. When he steps inside everything turns his body hot, but it’s not uncomfortable. It’s that feeling he can’t explain again. He was sure it was because he was coming down with something, then it would go and now it’s back and…

“Ben.”

“Callum-“

They say it together, their names sounding like a jumbled mess. Ben can’t believe his eyes, he looks at Callum closely. He’s _so_ tall, his hair overly gelled, eyes bluer than any sky or ocean. He’s still the Callum he remembers and he’s stood right in front of him.

“What ya doing here? I mean, how are you here?”

Callum looks to Sharon and back. “I was looking through some old stuff and came across a postcard Sharon sent mum a year after… after everything. Tried the number she left on there and thankfully she answered,” Callum smiles.

“You still have the same number?” Is all Ben can think to say. “Six years later?”

“Well it’s a good job I do, isn’t it?” She smirks, “Callum wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t.” She looks up at Callum and smiles warmly, “it was nice to see ya all grown up and looking well,” she gives him a small hug before turning to Ben and hugging him. “Just give him a chance, alright?”

Ben nods, but he’s struggling to process everything.

“Let me buy ya a drink,” Callum walks towards the bar. “Beer ok?”

“Something stronger,” Ben nips his lip before heading over to a quiet table.

Ben’s hands start going clammy and he’s not felt like this since he was a teenager. Since he last saw Callum. He’s had plenty of experience since, but he feels like he’s gone back years. He feels unsure of everything, he just knows _only_ Callum makes him feel like this.

Even after all these years. There’s only ever been Callum.

Callum sits by him – so tempting to just forget everything in between then and now and just pull him in for a hug. He wants it so badly.

“I looked for ya for ages,” Ben admits. “What 17 year old doesn’t have Facebook?”

Callum laughs, but it’s a sad sound. “Dad made sure I didn’t have anything like that, even before everything that happened.”

Ben remembers, he hated him. Ben couldn’t understand how Callum was the way he was with a dad like him.

“He passed away a few months ago,” Callum takes a drink.

“I’m sorry,” Ben says, even though he isn’t.

“Don’t be. I’m not,” Callum shakes his head, his eyes turning colder. “I finally feel _free_. I ain’t scared anymore.”

Ben smiles proudly, but it hurts to know Callum’s only now living his life the way he wants.

“I missed ya,” Callum breathes, his body leaning inwards.

“Yeah. Yeah, I missed ya too,” Ben downs his liquor.

“We’ve got so much to catch up on,” Callum advances. “If ya want to, that is?”

_I do, but what if you me leave again?_

“There’s no rush,” Callum promises. “I just… don’t want to waste anymore of my life not having what I want. I think it’s been long enough.”

Ben’s heart flutters and he wants it all too.

*

They talk for hours about what they do, about what parts of their life’s they’re happy with and some not so much. It feels easy to just _talk,_ Ben hasn’t done it for so long he notices the weight shift from his shoulders.

“So, are you with anyone?” Callum asks, the question Ben was most looking to avoid.

“Gabriel,” Ben says his name and it hangs in the air heavy. “It ain’t anything serious really. He ain’t important. We just – ya know, it’s just some fun. You?”

Callum looks away as if he needs time to digest the news before shaking his head. “Single. No surprise there though.”

Ben frowns, “it is actually. You’re… well, ya don’t need me to tell ya how I feel. You already know, Callum. You know.”

Callum blinks, a soft smile on his lips that somehow reaches straight into Ben’s heart. “Even after all this time?”

Ben nods, “even more so.”

It’s a lot to acknowledge after learning to lock it away for years. Ben can’t help but give himself freely to Callum. Ben has no fear when it comes to Callum. He knows he’ll always be secure.

“Do ya want to spend Christmas with me?” Ben asks. “You’ll probably be spending it with Stuart and-“

“I’d love to spend Christmas with ya,” Callum grins. “Don’t go expecting any presents from me, though.”

Ben just laughs, crazily believing they’ve been given a second chance.

_You’re more than enough._

**Christmas Day**

They kiss. They kiss a lot, and Ben’s not sure who made the first move and he’s not really sure if it’s for best, but it feels right.

He ended things with Gabriel the day after meeting up with Callum, Ben didn’t have to say why; a mutual understanding falling between them.

Ben had spent every day running up to Christmas with Callum. They’d decorated Ben’s flat together, Callum had helped Ben choose a gift for Sharon. Ben knew Callum had wanted to ask about Phil, but Ben didn’t want to talk about him and now didn’t feel like the time. Now was a special time, a time he didn’t want to ruin by bringing up stuff that only hurt him. Feelings about his dad didn’t seem to be all negative anymore. He didn’t want to say never to the possibility of trying again, and letting him back into his life.

With Callum around he feels what it’s like to be truly _settled._ This is _it_ , Ben thinks. He’s happy in himself.

He sends Sharon a text and a thank you for everything – he never thanks her and he knows having Callum around has brought out that _side_ of him that not everybody sees.

Ben kisses along Callum’s neck, “I got ya something.”

Callum struggles to breathe, laughing his way out of Ben’s arms.

“You said ya weren’t! I haven’t got you anything now,” Ben pouts a little.

“It don’t matter,” Callum smiles, leaning down to kiss him. “I’ve got all I need.”

Callum grabs the small wrapped gift from the bag he’s packed full of a few of his things and gives it to Ben with a little flush to his face. “Merry Christmas, Ben.”

Ben opens the present carefully, smiling when he sees the keyring. He takes it out and reads the words from it, “once, the sun asked the moon for a hug, and the world named it an eclipse.”

Ben bites his bottom lip, words like _I love you_ screaming in his head as Callum steps closer and puts his hands on his waist. “I didn’t know ya were into astronomy,” Ben smirks up at him, his fingers folding over the metal.

“Got you to thank for that,” Callum whispers, going into his back pocket to bring out the keyring Ben got him all those years ago.

Ben doesn’t think he deserves the best, but that’s what he’s got looking up at Callum and he can’t help but be amazed. “I love you,” Ben finally says it.

Callum sighs happily, his forehead touching Ben’s. “I love you, too.”

_Something tells me I’m going to love him forever._


End file.
